First, I have to say I got our wedding gift from you and have already used it; thank you so much. Then I have to say I've been putting this letter together in my head and then on paper for the past 2 weeks. It was not, my any means, prompted by your gift. These are two seperate things. That said...
I'm sorry for making you feel bad. I've been doing a lot of thinking, but before I get into anything else I want to make sure you know how bad I feel for those last emails. I was taking frustrations out on you that I have with the rest of the world. You said, innocently enough, the so-called wrong thing at the wrong time and it set me off. You know how charged everyone was. I can actually talk to people about politics who don't have the same opinions as me, I swear. I do it on a regular basis but sometimes I wish you and I weren't as different as we are.
The other night I had what this lady taught me once was a paradigm shift. You probably know what it means, but just in case, it's when your views of a person change drastically with just one little adjustment in your perception of them. Okay, that was my definition, not the dictionaries, so I'm sure it's convoluted, but anyway. I was thinking about how horrible it would be if something ever happened to David (my David). I mean, the pain would be indescribable and suddenly I realized (since you're on my mind more often than not, lately) that's what you went through. It wasn't just a bad dream, you lost your husband and at the time I know he was the love of your life. I remember you telling me long after the fact that it was still hard for you to remember the bad times w/him. That's what love does, it blinds you to the reality of a situation and allows you to only see what you want to see. So I, for once, think I got an inkling the depth of what you had to work through. And I am so sorry for not thinking of you this way before.
This new realization changes everything. Some of the things I was saying to you in that other email all stem from how you chose to move on with your life after David. I have absolutely no right or place to believe I can even have an opinion on this. Until I've been in your shoes, so to speak, how could I have even considered judging your decisions? I don't know and to be quite honest, I'm embarrassed of my behavior.
I hate to admit - I'm trying to really show you how I feel - I used to compare your first relationship w/my own first relationship (Eugene, not Chance, that doesn't count). Although there are similarities, the psychological affects of mine pale in comparison to yours. I'm such a moron for thinking otherwise. What I'm trying to say is, you turned to the church and God and those things helped you move on. I'm just glad you did. I no longer care how you chose to do it, as long as you're happy and safe.
I want us to start being friends again, now. Is that possible? No more fluff talk, no more being careful, let's just be like sisters should be. I miss you. We can find similarities if we try, I'm sure. And we're big girls, I'm sure we can respect each others lifestyles w/out all this tension, aren't you?
With that out of the way, I heard you're heading back to Michigan on New Year's Day. That's the day David and I were going to come over to mom's to visit. We're flying in to have New Year's Eve w/our friends and after we recover on Saturday, the plan is to visit w/my family and then his on Sunday, and leave early Monday morning. I hope we don't miss each other, but it doesn't sound good. If we do, don't worry, we've got another 50 years to get together. It'll be fine, either way.
Well, I'm going to go start working on gifts for your girls and boys, now. Tell them hello for me, and give Amy a big ole hug for me. (I just want her to feel extra special, since she's the one I'm sure has the most memories of me).
I love you guys. Take care,
- ▼ December (10)