12.31.2004
12.28.2004
12.24.2004
suddenly
it scares me how quickly a good thing can turn bad. when you start to wonder if the good thing was ever good at all, you start to question your own sanity and that's a scary feeling. everything you think you can rely on to be there suddenly starts flickering when you look directly at it, like you're looking at the sun. portions of your heart feel solid and the rest feels like jelly rolling off the side of a cliff. and it can happen so quickly.
12.23.2004
christmas at the office
so i work for a shipping company and we are so busy right now. not that anyone would want to hear about my crappy job, it's pretty dull if you're not in it, but i'm so fucking in it that i can hardly stand it and you're totally about to hear about it (enough inappropriate prepostions for you?). this is the busiest time of year, by far, and i'm tired. only one more day until it's all over and i can finally relax and have a lovely holiday w/my lovely asshole, i mean, husband (this isn't the standard sentiment, i swear).
we shipped our family's gifts today, which should deliver tomorrow. yes, we waited until the l a s t possible minute and i have every confidence our things will deliver. maybe not by 10:30, but certainly tomorrow, despite all the calls i take all day declaring we didn't do just that for them. i'm like a professional doormat.
outside of the customers, though, there's an interesting dynamic in my office worthy of discussion. today, for instance, our managers were randomly giving out gifts. i won this brass picture frame shaped like a school house that had 12 slots for pictures from each grade. my first thought was that i'd never be able to gather together that many pictures of myself, and surely, hopefully, i'd permenantly destroyed my 7th grade picture - the one w/flybacks when they were so not cool and old lady glasses my mother helped me pick out w/the pink tint in the lense. the frame wasn't for pictures of myself, though, i was told it was for my "first born" and i should put it in my hope chest because it was so me. how it was me, i have no idea, since i thought it was hideous, but whatever. that's not the point. i convinced this dude who just had a kid to trade me for the insense he got. he was like, "my wife's allergic to all kinds of smells, anyway." and i was all, "whatever that means". are folks allergic to smells? she probably got nauseous easily while she was pregnant not long ago and he's still confused. one of my other co-workers got a flashlight; she tried to trade w/me but i wasn't having it, knowing i could do better.
we're so busy that everyone's all stressed out so "management" is working really hard to keep the morale up way sky high. it's working, i guess, because no one's killed anyone else yet and the gossip is at a strange low. we're obviously just the right amount of busy because we're what they call banding together and internal issues are not an issue. every day there's a little something to look forward to, on top of the thrill of seeing what everyone else wears for "vest day" or "crazy sock day" so we can wear jeans instead of stuffy old slacks and skirts. the santa hats were out of hand on "hat day" and i swear to fucking christ if there's another "christmas attire" day, i'm going to have to call someone a tool straight to their face. i'll do it. okay, no i won't, but i'll think it.
david's trying to get weed as we speak, so i'm sure it'll all be forgotten in no time. in time for tomorrow, hopefully. absofuckinglutely.
we shipped our family's gifts today, which should deliver tomorrow. yes, we waited until the l a s t possible minute and i have every confidence our things will deliver. maybe not by 10:30, but certainly tomorrow, despite all the calls i take all day declaring we didn't do just that for them. i'm like a professional doormat.
outside of the customers, though, there's an interesting dynamic in my office worthy of discussion. today, for instance, our managers were randomly giving out gifts. i won this brass picture frame shaped like a school house that had 12 slots for pictures from each grade. my first thought was that i'd never be able to gather together that many pictures of myself, and surely, hopefully, i'd permenantly destroyed my 7th grade picture - the one w/flybacks when they were so not cool and old lady glasses my mother helped me pick out w/the pink tint in the lense. the frame wasn't for pictures of myself, though, i was told it was for my "first born" and i should put it in my hope chest because it was so me. how it was me, i have no idea, since i thought it was hideous, but whatever. that's not the point. i convinced this dude who just had a kid to trade me for the insense he got. he was like, "my wife's allergic to all kinds of smells, anyway." and i was all, "whatever that means". are folks allergic to smells? she probably got nauseous easily while she was pregnant not long ago and he's still confused. one of my other co-workers got a flashlight; she tried to trade w/me but i wasn't having it, knowing i could do better.
we're so busy that everyone's all stressed out so "management" is working really hard to keep the morale up way sky high. it's working, i guess, because no one's killed anyone else yet and the gossip is at a strange low. we're obviously just the right amount of busy because we're what they call banding together and internal issues are not an issue. every day there's a little something to look forward to, on top of the thrill of seeing what everyone else wears for "vest day" or "crazy sock day" so we can wear jeans instead of stuffy old slacks and skirts. the santa hats were out of hand on "hat day" and i swear to fucking christ if there's another "christmas attire" day, i'm going to have to call someone a tool straight to their face. i'll do it. okay, no i won't, but i'll think it.
david's trying to get weed as we speak, so i'm sure it'll all be forgotten in no time. in time for tomorrow, hopefully. absofuckinglutely.
12.17.2004
christmas tree shaped air freshener christmas cards update
we completely chunked the idea for sending the air fresheners out, as i said in my last entry. i didn't know at the time what wonderful use we'd find for them, though. i'm so excited to report that we turned them into ornaments on our aluminum christmas tree. how perfect is that? obviously fake christmas tree smell on our obviously fake silver tree celebrating the most egregiously fake holiday of our lives. yipee! happy holidays, everyone, we're in the spirit full force and there ain't no stoppin us now.
however, i am not so happy to report that whilst wasting away watching late night show after later night show after pre-dawn show, i've seen a lot of the christmas tree shaped air-freshener. giant ones, at that. how did i catch onto that meme unbeknownst to me, completely? i'm usually so aware. (those of you who know me, SHUT UP.)
however, i am not so happy to report that whilst wasting away watching late night show after later night show after pre-dawn show, i've seen a lot of the christmas tree shaped air-freshener. giant ones, at that. how did i catch onto that meme unbeknownst to me, completely? i'm usually so aware. (those of you who know me, SHUT UP.)
12.14.2004
currently
i've taken to drinking a lot lately. half a glass of straight brandy on the rocks every night. i'm the man in the movie who comes home in 1954, fixes himself a drink at the home-bar and waits for his dinner. only i make the dinner after i'm sufficiently tipsy and my husband suffers. i don't think i'm trying to drown anything, i'm just so goddamn bored. i've never drank so much on a regular basis, unsocially, in my life. thanks, phoenix. right now, i'm drinking. with huey, the dog. david'll be home soon, i hope, and then i won't feel so guilty. he's become a drunk like me, too. i'm not goin down alone.
he brought home 2 ferns this weekend. we still haven't decided where they need to go. they're almost dead as it is, he rescued them from the shop where he works. i'm not sure why he thinks we can rejuvenate ferns. i'm scared of plants, i'll certainly kill them the first chance i get. we went to the botanical garden in phoenix last summer and brought home like 8 plants. only one survived. it's a good thing they're not children, i completely forget about them for days on end and then when i remember them, the guilt makes me over water and they die. it's awful. we actually bought this one plant called a lithop. it's a living stone, basically, that lives in like the most remote area in the rain forest where it hardly gets any direct rain or sun, but it's constantly being misted for most of the year and then nothing for like a month straight. i don't know why we felt so confident at the time. it was really cool. but it's such a sensitive plant that you can't even touch it because the oil on your finger is too much moisture. that is seriously the bitchiest plant i've ever heard of. i was like a child near it, i could hardly stand myself. but i didn't touch it, i swear. i'm pretty sure i over-watered it, though. it shriveled up like a little old lady and died not more than a month after we brought it home. poor thing. i suppose we'll hang one of the ferns from the ceiling over the television (why does that not seem like a good idea?), and we'll hang the other one in the bathroom. if only we had 2 bathrooms, all our problems would be solved.
on another note completely, i've been trying, for the past few years, to be grown and send out christmas cards. it's not a huge feat by any means, i know, but every year it's a struggle and i wonder if i'm really grown after all. i'm thinking no, but i continue to press on. so, this year i get this clever idea from some website to send christmas tree, pinecone scented automobile air-fresheners with "merry christmas, love david and cathi holmes" on them w/a sharpie. it's turned out to not be the best, most thought-out idea. david somehow knew it was sketchy. an air-freshener shaped card, perhaps, but the actual freshener... not so much. number one, they're stinking up the house, and number two, the ink ran and they look like shit. i wasted 10 bucks on a stack of crap that's making what could have been already completed and mailed christmas cards another thing to put back on my list of things grown-ups do during the holidays. see, i'm grown.
he brought home 2 ferns this weekend. we still haven't decided where they need to go. they're almost dead as it is, he rescued them from the shop where he works. i'm not sure why he thinks we can rejuvenate ferns. i'm scared of plants, i'll certainly kill them the first chance i get. we went to the botanical garden in phoenix last summer and brought home like 8 plants. only one survived. it's a good thing they're not children, i completely forget about them for days on end and then when i remember them, the guilt makes me over water and they die. it's awful. we actually bought this one plant called a lithop. it's a living stone, basically, that lives in like the most remote area in the rain forest where it hardly gets any direct rain or sun, but it's constantly being misted for most of the year and then nothing for like a month straight. i don't know why we felt so confident at the time. it was really cool. but it's such a sensitive plant that you can't even touch it because the oil on your finger is too much moisture. that is seriously the bitchiest plant i've ever heard of. i was like a child near it, i could hardly stand myself. but i didn't touch it, i swear. i'm pretty sure i over-watered it, though. it shriveled up like a little old lady and died not more than a month after we brought it home. poor thing. i suppose we'll hang one of the ferns from the ceiling over the television (why does that not seem like a good idea?), and we'll hang the other one in the bathroom. if only we had 2 bathrooms, all our problems would be solved.
on another note completely, i've been trying, for the past few years, to be grown and send out christmas cards. it's not a huge feat by any means, i know, but every year it's a struggle and i wonder if i'm really grown after all. i'm thinking no, but i continue to press on. so, this year i get this clever idea from some website to send christmas tree, pinecone scented automobile air-fresheners with "merry christmas, love david and cathi holmes" on them w/a sharpie. it's turned out to not be the best, most thought-out idea. david somehow knew it was sketchy. an air-freshener shaped card, perhaps, but the actual freshener... not so much. number one, they're stinking up the house, and number two, the ink ran and they look like shit. i wasted 10 bucks on a stack of crap that's making what could have been already completed and mailed christmas cards another thing to put back on my list of things grown-ups do during the holidays. see, i'm grown.
12.13.2004
i've recently become obsessed w/what's called a "dotmom"
she's terribly funny. http://www.suburbanbliss.net/
12.11.2004
100 Things About Me
Disclaimer: This is a personal exercise in learning something about myself. I know it won't be of much interest to most.
In no particular order:
1. I like music I can sing along to.
2. I wrote a poem once about Bud Dwyer shooting himself in the head at a press conference.
3. I can be very two-faced to get what I want. I call it opportunistic.
4. I'd like to learn Chinese.
5. I don't have a favorite author, but I love Raymond Carver, Joyce Carol Oates, Alice Munro, Richard Brautigan...
6. I've recently learned to cook and bake.
7. I want a baby.
8. I love to laugh.
9. I want to buy a house and settle down in the dirty south.
10. I was born and raised in Memphis, left as soon as I could and can't wait to get back.
11. I have a tattoo of a world w/yin-yang shaped continents and stick people holding hands around it. I got it in my "hippie-phase" and am kind of embarrassed about it now, but I'll never get it removed.
12. I love love love road trips.
13. My favorite drink is a dirty martini.
14. I love green tea both hot and cold.
15. I used to drink a spoonful of vinegar every morning because my grandfather did for his health. I believe in wives tales.
16. I've stolen from most every job I've had except for my current one.
17. I like dark beer.
18. I don't get offended by words like bitch, cunt or crack-whore. They're just words. I like words.
19. I filed for bankruptcy about 7 years ago. I'm almost free!
20. I had a miscarriage about that same time. It was a trying one.
21. I ran away to New York w/my boyfriend because he was AWOL and I thought we could start new lives there in anonymity.
22. My parents picked me up from a motel in Florida where we ended up 2 weeks later.
23. I married that guy anyway a couple months after that.
24. I'm now married to the most wonderful man on earth, in my opinion. He saved my life.
25. I love movies, but not Blockbuster movies. Movies that move me or make me cry or think or care or teach me something or lose myself.
26. I like music for the same reasons.
27. I love listening to Van Morrison.
28. And Tom Waits.
29. I think David Cross is off the hook.
30. I want to retire and become an English professor when I'm 40ish.
31. I'm pretty girly at heart, but I try to remain neutral.
32. I love old, dirty blues like Junior Kimbrough, Albert King, Howlin' Wolf...
33. I don't care that Bill Clinton had sex w/Monica Lewinsky and I don't care that he lied about it to save his marriage and reputation.
34. I love camping.
35. I don't have many close friends. Never have.
36. I love red wine and dark chocolate and I love that those things are good for you (fuck moderation).
37. I love old country music, but the new shit is shit.
38. I have a dog named Huey who taught me to love little things.
39. I love coffee made from a press w/heavy cream.
40. I wish I was a runner. I will continue to try.
41. I hate people who drive big trucks w/stupid bumper stickers. And that includes SUV's.
42. I hate small talk, but I'm good at it and I hate that about myself.
43. I am the youngest of 4.
44. I was brought up very Catholic but I'll never go to church again.
45. I don't spend much time on the 'middle ground'. I'm way too emotional.
46. I'm terribly allergic to animals but started using Flonase after I got Huey. It's a miracle drug.
47. I'm a night person and hate to wake up in the morning.
48. I like to sew and crochet and want to learn to knit.
49. But I'm not as creative as I wish I was.
50. My husband is an artist and I will forever be envious.
51. I posed nude for cash in the name of art... and food.
52. I can't say no to telemarketers so I just hang up on them and feel bad later.
53. Popcorn is my favorite snack.
54. I talk way too much when I don't have anything to say.
55. I'd like to be a professional proofreader. I do it now but I mostly just annoy people.
56. I'm pretty dense and forgetful. It drives my husband crazy.
57. I'm working on that.
58. I saw a therapist after my first marriage.
59. I have a fear of being widowed just like my sister.
60. I'm a college graduate, but I didn't walk. I'm not into ceremonies. I got married in Vegas.
61. I love board games.
62. I love trivia games but I'm terrible at them. I'm content to just ask the questions.
63. I'm quite the eternal optimist. That comes from years of being the youngest child.
64. I'm a scorpio, but I don't think that really matters.
65. I've smoked a lot of pot.
66. I'm not the best drunk, but I love to drink.
67. I'm never prepared.
68. I was a tour guide at Sun Studio for a year. I learned most of what I know about music after I got that job. I'm not sure why they hired me, but I'm glad they did.
69. I'd love to drive a Volvo Stationwagon. How cliche is that?
70. I worry about money a lot.
71. I have a protestant work ethic and my husband is an artist. We need each other.
72. I mostly crochet scarves because I hate using patterns.
73. I mostly sew skirts becaues I hate using patterns.
74. I do know how to read a pattern, I just don't have the patience.
75. I wish I was a neat freak. I'm messy, messy, messy. I struggle to keep it together.
76. I think Johnny Cash is about as close to Jesus as a man can get.
77. I live in Phoenix, AZ and I hate it here.
78. My parents got us an inground pool when I was 2. I love to swim, but haven't in a long time.
79. I can't do word problems but liked doing the Pythagorean Theorem in high school.
80. I went to San Francisco by myself once and let a stranger sleep in my hotel w/me. We slept together but did not sleep together. We talked about religion.
81. He was Rastafarian. It was in my "hippie-phase".
82. I took 4 years of French in high school and college and still cannot speak or read the language beyond the very, very basic.
83. I wish I could make good Pad Thai.
84. I have a pair of fishnets that I've never worn out of the house.
85. I love green olives.
86. I love thrift stores and old stuff other people consider junk.
87. I have an aluminum Christmas tree.
88. I wish I was really good at one thing instead of okay at several.
89. I am good at making people feel good about themselves.
90. I'm intimidated by people I think are more interesting than me.
91. I tend to have fat friends because I'm not jealous of them. Lots of girls have this problem. I'm turning into the fat one, though, which causes problems that should have been delt with long ago.
92. I have self-image issues.
93. I love having books almost as much as I love reading them.
94. My parents are still married after 30 something years and I lived in the same house until I was 18 years old.
95. Since then I've moved probably 20 times.
96. Some of those times were back and forth to and from my parents house.
97. I've "started over" at least 4 or 5 times.
98. I've never broken a bone in my body.
99. I think gay people should be able to get married if they want.
100. I voted for John Kerry and I will vote for Hillary Clinton if she runs next.
In no particular order:
1. I like music I can sing along to.
2. I wrote a poem once about Bud Dwyer shooting himself in the head at a press conference.
3. I can be very two-faced to get what I want. I call it opportunistic.
4. I'd like to learn Chinese.
5. I don't have a favorite author, but I love Raymond Carver, Joyce Carol Oates, Alice Munro, Richard Brautigan...
6. I've recently learned to cook and bake.
7. I want a baby.
8. I love to laugh.
9. I want to buy a house and settle down in the dirty south.
10. I was born and raised in Memphis, left as soon as I could and can't wait to get back.
11. I have a tattoo of a world w/yin-yang shaped continents and stick people holding hands around it. I got it in my "hippie-phase" and am kind of embarrassed about it now, but I'll never get it removed.
12. I love love love road trips.
13. My favorite drink is a dirty martini.
14. I love green tea both hot and cold.
15. I used to drink a spoonful of vinegar every morning because my grandfather did for his health. I believe in wives tales.
16. I've stolen from most every job I've had except for my current one.
17. I like dark beer.
18. I don't get offended by words like bitch, cunt or crack-whore. They're just words. I like words.
19. I filed for bankruptcy about 7 years ago. I'm almost free!
20. I had a miscarriage about that same time. It was a trying one.
21. I ran away to New York w/my boyfriend because he was AWOL and I thought we could start new lives there in anonymity.
22. My parents picked me up from a motel in Florida where we ended up 2 weeks later.
23. I married that guy anyway a couple months after that.
24. I'm now married to the most wonderful man on earth, in my opinion. He saved my life.
25. I love movies, but not Blockbuster movies. Movies that move me or make me cry or think or care or teach me something or lose myself.
26. I like music for the same reasons.
27. I love listening to Van Morrison.
28. And Tom Waits.
29. I think David Cross is off the hook.
30. I want to retire and become an English professor when I'm 40ish.
31. I'm pretty girly at heart, but I try to remain neutral.
32. I love old, dirty blues like Junior Kimbrough, Albert King, Howlin' Wolf...
33. I don't care that Bill Clinton had sex w/Monica Lewinsky and I don't care that he lied about it to save his marriage and reputation.
34. I love camping.
35. I don't have many close friends. Never have.
36. I love red wine and dark chocolate and I love that those things are good for you (fuck moderation).
37. I love old country music, but the new shit is shit.
38. I have a dog named Huey who taught me to love little things.
39. I love coffee made from a press w/heavy cream.
40. I wish I was a runner. I will continue to try.
41. I hate people who drive big trucks w/stupid bumper stickers. And that includes SUV's.
42. I hate small talk, but I'm good at it and I hate that about myself.
43. I am the youngest of 4.
44. I was brought up very Catholic but I'll never go to church again.
45. I don't spend much time on the 'middle ground'. I'm way too emotional.
46. I'm terribly allergic to animals but started using Flonase after I got Huey. It's a miracle drug.
47. I'm a night person and hate to wake up in the morning.
48. I like to sew and crochet and want to learn to knit.
49. But I'm not as creative as I wish I was.
50. My husband is an artist and I will forever be envious.
51. I posed nude for cash in the name of art... and food.
52. I can't say no to telemarketers so I just hang up on them and feel bad later.
53. Popcorn is my favorite snack.
54. I talk way too much when I don't have anything to say.
55. I'd like to be a professional proofreader. I do it now but I mostly just annoy people.
56. I'm pretty dense and forgetful. It drives my husband crazy.
57. I'm working on that.
58. I saw a therapist after my first marriage.
59. I have a fear of being widowed just like my sister.
60. I'm a college graduate, but I didn't walk. I'm not into ceremonies. I got married in Vegas.
61. I love board games.
62. I love trivia games but I'm terrible at them. I'm content to just ask the questions.
63. I'm quite the eternal optimist. That comes from years of being the youngest child.
64. I'm a scorpio, but I don't think that really matters.
65. I've smoked a lot of pot.
66. I'm not the best drunk, but I love to drink.
67. I'm never prepared.
68. I was a tour guide at Sun Studio for a year. I learned most of what I know about music after I got that job. I'm not sure why they hired me, but I'm glad they did.
69. I'd love to drive a Volvo Stationwagon. How cliche is that?
70. I worry about money a lot.
71. I have a protestant work ethic and my husband is an artist. We need each other.
72. I mostly crochet scarves because I hate using patterns.
73. I mostly sew skirts becaues I hate using patterns.
74. I do know how to read a pattern, I just don't have the patience.
75. I wish I was a neat freak. I'm messy, messy, messy. I struggle to keep it together.
76. I think Johnny Cash is about as close to Jesus as a man can get.
77. I live in Phoenix, AZ and I hate it here.
78. My parents got us an inground pool when I was 2. I love to swim, but haven't in a long time.
79. I can't do word problems but liked doing the Pythagorean Theorem in high school.
80. I went to San Francisco by myself once and let a stranger sleep in my hotel w/me. We slept together but did not sleep together. We talked about religion.
81. He was Rastafarian. It was in my "hippie-phase".
82. I took 4 years of French in high school and college and still cannot speak or read the language beyond the very, very basic.
83. I wish I could make good Pad Thai.
84. I have a pair of fishnets that I've never worn out of the house.
85. I love green olives.
86. I love thrift stores and old stuff other people consider junk.
87. I have an aluminum Christmas tree.
88. I wish I was really good at one thing instead of okay at several.
89. I am good at making people feel good about themselves.
90. I'm intimidated by people I think are more interesting than me.
91. I tend to have fat friends because I'm not jealous of them. Lots of girls have this problem. I'm turning into the fat one, though, which causes problems that should have been delt with long ago.
92. I have self-image issues.
93. I love having books almost as much as I love reading them.
94. My parents are still married after 30 something years and I lived in the same house until I was 18 years old.
95. Since then I've moved probably 20 times.
96. Some of those times were back and forth to and from my parents house.
97. I've "started over" at least 4 or 5 times.
98. I've never broken a bone in my body.
99. I think gay people should be able to get married if they want.
100. I voted for John Kerry and I will vote for Hillary Clinton if she runs next.
12.02.2004
rough draft
Hi Tina,
First, I have to say I got our wedding gift from you and have already used it; thank you so much. Then I have to say I've been putting this letter together in my head and then on paper for the past 2 weeks. It was not, my any means, prompted by your gift. These are two seperate things. That said...
I'm sorry for making you feel bad. I've been doing a lot of thinking, but before I get into anything else I want to make sure you know how bad I feel for those last emails. I was taking frustrations out on you that I have with the rest of the world. You said, innocently enough, the so-called wrong thing at the wrong time and it set me off. You know how charged everyone was. I can actually talk to people about politics who don't have the same opinions as me, I swear. I do it on a regular basis but sometimes I wish you and I weren't as different as we are.
The other night I had what this lady taught me once was a paradigm shift. You probably know what it means, but just in case, it's when your views of a person change drastically with just one little adjustment in your perception of them. Okay, that was my definition, not the dictionaries, so I'm sure it's convoluted, but anyway. I was thinking about how horrible it would be if something ever happened to David (my David). I mean, the pain would be indescribable and suddenly I realized (since you're on my mind more often than not, lately) that's what you went through. It wasn't just a bad dream, you lost your husband and at the time I know he was the love of your life. I remember you telling me long after the fact that it was still hard for you to remember the bad times w/him. That's what love does, it blinds you to the reality of a situation and allows you to only see what you want to see. So I, for once, think I got an inkling the depth of what you had to work through. And I am so sorry for not thinking of you this way before.
This new realization changes everything. Some of the things I was saying to you in that other email all stem from how you chose to move on with your life after David. I have absolutely no right or place to believe I can even have an opinion on this. Until I've been in your shoes, so to speak, how could I have even considered judging your decisions? I don't know and to be quite honest, I'm embarrassed of my behavior.
I hate to admit - I'm trying to really show you how I feel - I used to compare your first relationship w/my own first relationship (Eugene, not Chance, that doesn't count). Although there are similarities, the psychological affects of mine pale in comparison to yours. I'm such a moron for thinking otherwise. What I'm trying to say is, you turned to the church and God and those things helped you move on. I'm just glad you did. I no longer care how you chose to do it, as long as you're happy and safe.
I want us to start being friends again, now. Is that possible? No more fluff talk, no more being careful, let's just be like sisters should be. I miss you. We can find similarities if we try, I'm sure. And we're big girls, I'm sure we can respect each others lifestyles w/out all this tension, aren't you?
With that out of the way, I heard you're heading back to Michigan on New Year's Day. That's the day David and I were going to come over to mom's to visit. We're flying in to have New Year's Eve w/our friends and after we recover on Saturday, the plan is to visit w/my family and then his on Sunday, and leave early Monday morning. I hope we don't miss each other, but it doesn't sound good. If we do, don't worry, we've got another 50 years to get together. It'll be fine, either way.
Well, I'm going to go start working on gifts for your girls and boys, now. Tell them hello for me, and give Amy a big ole hug for me. (I just want her to feel extra special, since she's the one I'm sure has the most memories of me).
I love you guys. Take care,
Cathi
First, I have to say I got our wedding gift from you and have already used it; thank you so much. Then I have to say I've been putting this letter together in my head and then on paper for the past 2 weeks. It was not, my any means, prompted by your gift. These are two seperate things. That said...
I'm sorry for making you feel bad. I've been doing a lot of thinking, but before I get into anything else I want to make sure you know how bad I feel for those last emails. I was taking frustrations out on you that I have with the rest of the world. You said, innocently enough, the so-called wrong thing at the wrong time and it set me off. You know how charged everyone was. I can actually talk to people about politics who don't have the same opinions as me, I swear. I do it on a regular basis but sometimes I wish you and I weren't as different as we are.
The other night I had what this lady taught me once was a paradigm shift. You probably know what it means, but just in case, it's when your views of a person change drastically with just one little adjustment in your perception of them. Okay, that was my definition, not the dictionaries, so I'm sure it's convoluted, but anyway. I was thinking about how horrible it would be if something ever happened to David (my David). I mean, the pain would be indescribable and suddenly I realized (since you're on my mind more often than not, lately) that's what you went through. It wasn't just a bad dream, you lost your husband and at the time I know he was the love of your life. I remember you telling me long after the fact that it was still hard for you to remember the bad times w/him. That's what love does, it blinds you to the reality of a situation and allows you to only see what you want to see. So I, for once, think I got an inkling the depth of what you had to work through. And I am so sorry for not thinking of you this way before.
This new realization changes everything. Some of the things I was saying to you in that other email all stem from how you chose to move on with your life after David. I have absolutely no right or place to believe I can even have an opinion on this. Until I've been in your shoes, so to speak, how could I have even considered judging your decisions? I don't know and to be quite honest, I'm embarrassed of my behavior.
I hate to admit - I'm trying to really show you how I feel - I used to compare your first relationship w/my own first relationship (Eugene, not Chance, that doesn't count). Although there are similarities, the psychological affects of mine pale in comparison to yours. I'm such a moron for thinking otherwise. What I'm trying to say is, you turned to the church and God and those things helped you move on. I'm just glad you did. I no longer care how you chose to do it, as long as you're happy and safe.
I want us to start being friends again, now. Is that possible? No more fluff talk, no more being careful, let's just be like sisters should be. I miss you. We can find similarities if we try, I'm sure. And we're big girls, I'm sure we can respect each others lifestyles w/out all this tension, aren't you?
With that out of the way, I heard you're heading back to Michigan on New Year's Day. That's the day David and I were going to come over to mom's to visit. We're flying in to have New Year's Eve w/our friends and after we recover on Saturday, the plan is to visit w/my family and then his on Sunday, and leave early Monday morning. I hope we don't miss each other, but it doesn't sound good. If we do, don't worry, we've got another 50 years to get together. It'll be fine, either way.
Well, I'm going to go start working on gifts for your girls and boys, now. Tell them hello for me, and give Amy a big ole hug for me. (I just want her to feel extra special, since she's the one I'm sure has the most memories of me).
I love you guys. Take care,
Cathi
12.01.2004
my big sister
It's been years since my sister and I've been able to really enjoy each others company. She's 10 years older than me and when I was a kid, I freaking adored her every move. I wanted nothing nothing nothing more than to be her shadow. I would tell her she was my favorite sister and she'd say, "I'm your only sister, silly." And I'd say in earnest, "Yes, but if I had another one, you'd still be my absolute favorite-est." This is all typical, I know. She bought my first sex book, she bought me my first drink, she took me to Florida when I graduated High School. She was my mother, my best friend, my mentor, my idol.
When she was 20 and I was 10, she got married. That was a bad marriage. Her husband was abusive and being with him caused us to drift apart. She still tried to make time for me, but he made things difficult so the drifting was inevitable. I was too young to understand then that she didn't not want to take me to the zoo like she promised, or spend time w/me anymore. I didn't know there were other, more grown up reasons to her strange new behavior, so I built a wall. It was slow-going, like I said, she took me on my senior trip, but that was after the overbearing husband shot himself in the head in front of our house while we ate spaghetti inside because she finally left his sad (literally) ass.
This happened when I was 16 and completely self-absorbed. Of course, I responded accordingly, I wasn't stupid. I knew what was going on, but I never got the details. Everyone wanted to make sure "the baby" was protected so it was quite a few years before I put all the pieces together. He'd abused her physically and mentally for about 5 years and this did serious harm to her mental wellness. She went to a counselor for about 2 years or so after the incident but then she got remarried and I don't think she ever really recovered. But again, I didn't put all this together until maybe the past couple years. Currently, my sister's married to a money-hungry, workaholic w/4 children and one on the way. She's a born-again Catholic, he's a Southern Baptist convert and she doesn't work (tho she has a college degree) to home-school the kids. Andrea Yates scares the hell out of me. I'm scared for my sister, and I can't decide if I'm being mello-dramatic. She's so fucking religious now that I can't get through anymore and I don't know how to deal.
The whole family jokes about her crazy fanatical lifestyle, but it's more often than not behind her back. She's also very sensitive and no one wants an uncomfortable situation, so the concerns just continuously get pushed under the rug. She emailed me right before the election about how Bush is the right man for the job and I'd had enough. I emailed her back asking her, in what I thought was a nice, respectful, relatively passive way, to skip me when sending out that crap in the future. I didn't say that, but I made it clear that I didn't think we should be discussing politics. I want to get along w/her and I just knew, what with the climate just before the election, I wouldn't be able to be very respectful if she made me talk about my views with her. Her bible thumping has really begun to get under my skin and I've done such a good job of keeping my mouth shut. She didn't take my email well, so she wrote back that she thought we could have a mature, adult conversation and she was sorry she was wrong. That did it. I let a lot of things out when I wrote her back. I didn't limit my discourse to current events. Then her response was that she was so hurt by what I said that she deleted it immediately and she was going to refrain from telling me how she felt so as not to say something she might regret later (taking the moral high ground, I suppose). I didn't write back.
That was, well, right before the election. I should also mention that I got married in August and she still hadn't sent my new husband and I a wedding gift. She was struggling to decide what to get us, knowing we weren't church-goers or religious in any sense of the word that she could understand. I told her in one of the emails not to get us anything if it was so difficult for her to decide, I didn't want a gift for me to cause anyone stress. I meant that sincerely, my mother had told me how she was fretting about the appropriate gift for a couple of newlywed heathens. My husband asked, "Why didn't you tell her to just get us a toaster or something?" This is not the point! She tries too hard. With everything, church, kids, friends, her weight, everything and this is what concerns me. Apparently, though, I didn't convey my concern so much as piss her off.
Since that last interaction w/her, I had an epiphany, so to speak. I was sitting w/my husband one night watching TV and it occured to me how incomprehensibly devastated I would be if anything ever happened to him. I took the abuse out of her relationship w/her first husband and realized that's exactly what happened to her. Years after it happened, she would tell me that it was hard for her to remember the bad times. He really was her first love and even now as I think of it, I cry imagining what she must have gone through. And I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself for not feeling this before. I've been so self-righteous for so long that I literally did not consider how devasted she must have been.
This is where I have the problem. I decided to write her a letter telling her about this new perspective. I've started the letter several times and I've written it in my head, but I can't seem to get it right. And then today, I get a wedding gift in the mail from her. She got us a stand mixer. How do I go to her now without looking like I was guilted into writing? I want her to know how sorry I am, but I'm afraid whatever I say now will be clouded w/this gift that I know she didn't really want to give. I say that because she wanted to get us a cross, but she was afraid we wouldn't like something like that. It's not true, I would've loved anything she gave us, especially if it was something she wanted us to have. I appreciate the mixer, of course, it's what I wanted but I feel bad that she can't feel good about it, too. I know she doesn't. I just want to take her now and fix her so she can quit being so afraid of losing the things that mean so much to her. No letter I write will convey that, though.
When she was 20 and I was 10, she got married. That was a bad marriage. Her husband was abusive and being with him caused us to drift apart. She still tried to make time for me, but he made things difficult so the drifting was inevitable. I was too young to understand then that she didn't not want to take me to the zoo like she promised, or spend time w/me anymore. I didn't know there were other, more grown up reasons to her strange new behavior, so I built a wall. It was slow-going, like I said, she took me on my senior trip, but that was after the overbearing husband shot himself in the head in front of our house while we ate spaghetti inside because she finally left his sad (literally) ass.
This happened when I was 16 and completely self-absorbed. Of course, I responded accordingly, I wasn't stupid. I knew what was going on, but I never got the details. Everyone wanted to make sure "the baby" was protected so it was quite a few years before I put all the pieces together. He'd abused her physically and mentally for about 5 years and this did serious harm to her mental wellness. She went to a counselor for about 2 years or so after the incident but then she got remarried and I don't think she ever really recovered. But again, I didn't put all this together until maybe the past couple years. Currently, my sister's married to a money-hungry, workaholic w/4 children and one on the way. She's a born-again Catholic, he's a Southern Baptist convert and she doesn't work (tho she has a college degree) to home-school the kids. Andrea Yates scares the hell out of me. I'm scared for my sister, and I can't decide if I'm being mello-dramatic. She's so fucking religious now that I can't get through anymore and I don't know how to deal.
The whole family jokes about her crazy fanatical lifestyle, but it's more often than not behind her back. She's also very sensitive and no one wants an uncomfortable situation, so the concerns just continuously get pushed under the rug. She emailed me right before the election about how Bush is the right man for the job and I'd had enough. I emailed her back asking her, in what I thought was a nice, respectful, relatively passive way, to skip me when sending out that crap in the future. I didn't say that, but I made it clear that I didn't think we should be discussing politics. I want to get along w/her and I just knew, what with the climate just before the election, I wouldn't be able to be very respectful if she made me talk about my views with her. Her bible thumping has really begun to get under my skin and I've done such a good job of keeping my mouth shut. She didn't take my email well, so she wrote back that she thought we could have a mature, adult conversation and she was sorry she was wrong. That did it. I let a lot of things out when I wrote her back. I didn't limit my discourse to current events. Then her response was that she was so hurt by what I said that she deleted it immediately and she was going to refrain from telling me how she felt so as not to say something she might regret later (taking the moral high ground, I suppose). I didn't write back.
That was, well, right before the election. I should also mention that I got married in August and she still hadn't sent my new husband and I a wedding gift. She was struggling to decide what to get us, knowing we weren't church-goers or religious in any sense of the word that she could understand. I told her in one of the emails not to get us anything if it was so difficult for her to decide, I didn't want a gift for me to cause anyone stress. I meant that sincerely, my mother had told me how she was fretting about the appropriate gift for a couple of newlywed heathens. My husband asked, "Why didn't you tell her to just get us a toaster or something?" This is not the point! She tries too hard. With everything, church, kids, friends, her weight, everything and this is what concerns me. Apparently, though, I didn't convey my concern so much as piss her off.
Since that last interaction w/her, I had an epiphany, so to speak. I was sitting w/my husband one night watching TV and it occured to me how incomprehensibly devastated I would be if anything ever happened to him. I took the abuse out of her relationship w/her first husband and realized that's exactly what happened to her. Years after it happened, she would tell me that it was hard for her to remember the bad times. He really was her first love and even now as I think of it, I cry imagining what she must have gone through. And I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself for not feeling this before. I've been so self-righteous for so long that I literally did not consider how devasted she must have been.
This is where I have the problem. I decided to write her a letter telling her about this new perspective. I've started the letter several times and I've written it in my head, but I can't seem to get it right. And then today, I get a wedding gift in the mail from her. She got us a stand mixer. How do I go to her now without looking like I was guilted into writing? I want her to know how sorry I am, but I'm afraid whatever I say now will be clouded w/this gift that I know she didn't really want to give. I say that because she wanted to get us a cross, but she was afraid we wouldn't like something like that. It's not true, I would've loved anything she gave us, especially if it was something she wanted us to have. I appreciate the mixer, of course, it's what I wanted but I feel bad that she can't feel good about it, too. I know she doesn't. I just want to take her now and fix her so she can quit being so afraid of losing the things that mean so much to her. No letter I write will convey that, though.
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