As I was writing that last post about my wonderful life with my husband and sweet daughter, Lily... about how we are going to change into better examples for her. How she inspires us to be the best we can be... While I was sitting in the small computer room of our modest but clean and pleasent home with my feet up and my laptop in my lap, while Lily sleeps in the other room... while my belly digests the dinner we cooked together... my husband was driving home from his little brother's apartment across town with a rock of cocaine in his pocket. He went for pot and came back with a rock.
I'm having a hard time putting into words the disappointment it makes me feel. I want to throw it in the toilet. I want to bury it in the backyard... perhaps underneath Lily's turtle shaped sandbox. I want to grind it up in the garbage disposal.
Am I being emotional? Childish? Is one rock of cocaine really going to change anything? Is it going to ruin him? Us? Lily? Or is it just going to keep him up all night? Probably the latter but I have a sinking feeling in my gut that I have a hard time ignoring.
11.10.2007
New Things
I won't go on and on about how quickly life changes, but I will say that mine has done so exponentially since last I wrote.
I've decided I want to be a stay at home mom. Such a strange title I'm about to adopt... it's not really accurate, though. D and I are going to start a business. We're going to do it and I believe that we will succeed. We'll have no choice and that's how I know it will work. When not given a choice, I make things work. It's what I'm good at.
My husband is a wood genius and I will be his admin, basically. I'm happy to support him. It's something I've maintained our entire decade long relationship, minus weak moments of beligerence, stubborness and resentment. I must be appreciated, but what I'm finding is that appreciation comes as a result of appreciation. What do you know.
One of the main reasons for the decision to make now the time we've chosen to advance our plans is Lily. Amazing Lily. She brings out the best in both of us. I want her to be strong, smart, thoughtful, all the things that make up a beautifully bright girl. But most of all, I do not want her to feel limited or forced into a life she will be unhappy, or even not ecstatic about. I want her to know that she can do whatever she wants. Her future is limitless. In order to teach her such confidence, I must exude it myself. That's how she brings out the best in me. She inspires my husband.
The first step is tedious and involves preparation and finances. Not the good finances where a bank gives us a large sum of money... the bad finances that we have to give other people and institutions to ensure we don't begin behind.
Step two will be to quit my job and stay home to take care of my family. We will actively begin moving towards our business plan at that time. If it takes longer than 3 months to get to this point, I might just quit anyway. My job is hurting me. It's hurting my soul, my marriage, my sweet baby. I'm away from our home 10+ hours a day. How can I nourish us all if I'm not near by?
I've decided I want to be a stay at home mom. Such a strange title I'm about to adopt... it's not really accurate, though. D and I are going to start a business. We're going to do it and I believe that we will succeed. We'll have no choice and that's how I know it will work. When not given a choice, I make things work. It's what I'm good at.
My husband is a wood genius and I will be his admin, basically. I'm happy to support him. It's something I've maintained our entire decade long relationship, minus weak moments of beligerence, stubborness and resentment. I must be appreciated, but what I'm finding is that appreciation comes as a result of appreciation. What do you know.
One of the main reasons for the decision to make now the time we've chosen to advance our plans is Lily. Amazing Lily. She brings out the best in both of us. I want her to be strong, smart, thoughtful, all the things that make up a beautifully bright girl. But most of all, I do not want her to feel limited or forced into a life she will be unhappy, or even not ecstatic about. I want her to know that she can do whatever she wants. Her future is limitless. In order to teach her such confidence, I must exude it myself. That's how she brings out the best in me. She inspires my husband.
The first step is tedious and involves preparation and finances. Not the good finances where a bank gives us a large sum of money... the bad finances that we have to give other people and institutions to ensure we don't begin behind.
Step two will be to quit my job and stay home to take care of my family. We will actively begin moving towards our business plan at that time. If it takes longer than 3 months to get to this point, I might just quit anyway. My job is hurting me. It's hurting my soul, my marriage, my sweet baby. I'm away from our home 10+ hours a day. How can I nourish us all if I'm not near by?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)